How Should I Respond To Harsh Comments?
Posted: Thursday, November 27, 2008
by Tex Norman
1. Clarify any misunderstandings.
I remember once I wrote something in which I used the word denigrate. I got a comment back where the commentor accused me of being a racial bigot. Her rationale was that when she looked the word up it said to blacken someone's reputation, and took the reference to black to mean race and actually wrote: "in other words N (she used the N word). Obviously, the commentor misunderstood me, and my next step was to tactfully, and carefully explain how I was using the word denigrate, and pointing out that there were several definitions listed, and I had intended the word to be defined as "h aving declined, as in function or nature, from a former or original state. . ." Alway, always, always begin by trying to c larify any misunderstandings. Explain what you were trying to say, and show that what you are accused of was not what was on your mind when you wrote what you wrote.
Sometimes people get offended when your views are so different from their own that they just can't accept that anyone would believe what you are claiming to believe. Let your disagreeing commenter disagree with you, and appreaciate that they took the time to read your stuff, and that they are attempting to raise points that you either may not have considered, or that you may have misunderstood yourself. Tell your commenter that they are valued, because they ARE , or they should be, and that you're not questioning their credentials. Instead, tell them that you are just trying to make your own contributions to an issue, and by having a free and open debate you are making SearchWarp a place where varying points of view can be freely and openly discussed and explored.
3. Some personal attacks are not personal, and are not attacks.
Sometimes, what I perceive as a personal attack might be that individual defending themselves against a perceived attack from me. Much of what we understand when communicating with another person comes not just from their words, but from the tone of their voice, the micro-expressions on their faces, and the stance of their body language. On SearchWarp we are limited only to the words. I can say, You're a good writer, but if you take that as a sacrastic remark you will react one way, and if you take it as a sincere compliment you will take it as such. It is just so easy for us to misunderstand each other whenwe are limited to words ONLY that we just have to keep that in mind when we enter into keyboard debates.
4. Be willing to apologize if you did step on someone's toes.
If you write a lot you are going to offend someone, and sometimes many someones over time. It is always a good idea to let a person know that you didn't mean to push their buttons. What would you do if you bumped into someone on the sidewalk, or spilled a glass in a resturant and got water on another dinner's dress. You would appologize like a madman even though you didn't do it on purpose. So why resist every telling someone you are sorry if you did something that upset them?
5. Accept that everyone is not going to l ike you.
Every so often, a a reader/commentor is just going to take a strong and decided dislike to you. You may not be able to figure out why they dislike you, but they just do. Some people will just disagree with you strongly, but they don't have the rationale available to them to counter your arguments, so they just mock you, insult you, and send you nasty emails. If you have attempted to respond in a responsible way and that is not working, then stop the debate. SearchWarp allows the author to delete comments so if you are to the point where you just don't want a publicly displayed spat then just stop accepting their comments, and stop responding back to them, because all you are doing is making them angrier.
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)hi tex,this was a great article, with very good advice.the only bad thing about e mail is the other personmay be getting the wrong impression of what youare saying. that's what little smiley's are for. i loveemail, but i have had trouble with people misinterpretingmy intent,my best regards,sue
Thanks Sue. You are sweet. tex
Good advise, Tex. I wonder if everyone realizes that when they put themselves 'out there', there are bound to be negative comments thrown their way. We all need to keep a level head or this forum will just not work.
Good suggestions, Tex. I agree with Sue and David. Happy Friday!
Hi Tex.I probably should have read this article before your article on commenting responsibly. In particular, I reference your point number three. It is quite possible that the person who left the three personal attack type comments on my articles felt they had been attacked by me. So I stand chagrined.Point number four is also good advice for when you are leaving a comment. I did not know the definition of a word recently and most likely gave offense in my comment on the authors article. The author was kind enough not to be offensive in her reply and I subsequently apologized for my misinterpretation.My dad always told me, "Never apologize for anything. If you have to apologize, then it shouldn't have been done in the first place." But we are not perfect and apologizing now and then never hurts.And see, I could have just agreed with all the other commentators.Thanks for all your articles, they make me think and help me to figure out myself.Dianne
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